If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Whittling a shank in a meeting sends the message that it’s time to wrap things up.
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
peeping toms
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect