If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

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[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.


If Thomas Jefferson was alive today people would scream “What the hell? You’re almost 300 years old!”


A woman on the train kept staring at me and after about 25 minutes she was like “I’m sorry, but you look like my high school boyfriend who passed away” and without missing a beat I was like “Amanda?” and she was like “My name’s Rachel”… but imagine if I guessed her name right.


My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.


RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.


Her: I like bad boys

Me: I break the law sometimes

Her: ooooh which one?

Me: *from ceiling* gravity


If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.


The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.


Overheard on the bus:

“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”


Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.