I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
You Might Also Like
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.