If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

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[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?


[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry


Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.


🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶


Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.


[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti


I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.


Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.