@InternetHippo

If you bought more toilet paper than you need legally I’m allowed to come poop at your house

You Might Also Like

@Brampersandon_

[being a caddy at the masters]
GOLFER: *crouched down lining up his putt*
ME (whispering in his ear): whatcha lookin at? a bug?

@notacroc

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

@GlennyRodge

Just read that michelangelo painted the sistine chapel on his back. Must’ve been really difficult reaching that bit between his shoulders.

@ibid78

🎶 And I would walk 500 ft. and I would walk 500 more/ Just to be the man who stayed 1000 ft away as ordered by the court 🎶

@simoncholland

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

@notacroc

[alternate universe where jesus christ’s name was jeffy spaghetti]

ME: *hears some horrible news* jeffy spaghetti

@raeraefairydust

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

@JohnLyonTweets

Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.