Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
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You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.