I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
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ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]