My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.
Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
[inventor of Grape Nuts]
what if you could eat gravel?
guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week