@Ristolable

“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

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@CheryeDavis

My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….

@_missmoll414

My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants

@Kyle_Lippert

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

@WheelTod

[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”

@squirrel74wkgn

Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi

@danjan13

Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.

@elenacresci

guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week