“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale

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My life is about as organized as the $5 DVD Bin at Walmart….


My mother has been called for jury duty. The woman sits on her deck w/a BB gun shooting at deer for eating her flowers. Buckle up defendants


If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.


[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando


ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.


[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”


Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!

*undresses on the run like Superman*

Be right up!

*stands naked in doorway*

Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi


Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.


guy cheats on ex. Ex blocks on all platforms. Unblocks just to send GoT spoilers every week