“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.