“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”
*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
When my wife dressed up as Catwoman, I didn’t know it’d mean she’d quit her job, sleep 23 hrs a day and spend the other hour licking herself