Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I
If you breakdance you buy dance.
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Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.
“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”
“sorry i couldn-”
I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.