If you breakdance you buy dance.
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Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Unimpressed
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.