@ericonederful

If you breakdance you buy dance.

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@dadofbieber

Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I
do?.

@ACartoonCat

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

@LousyBastard

I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.

@bouncerface

Are you serious? It’s hard to tell because of all the botox.

@trojansauce

[interview]

“what’s you’re biggest weakness?”

*whispers*

“sorry i couldn-”

I CANT CONTROL MY VOLUME

@OtherDanOBrien

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

@thejessbess

This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.

@patnspankme

99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.

@the_anastasia

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.