If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
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Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold