“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*pronounces fake like saké*
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Weirdly Wednesday.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Pretty much! 😂👀
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Me: *flirts*
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