“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
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Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Lucky old June.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?