If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
You Might Also Like
Me, as a surgeon: Nurse, give me 50 CCs of the thing from the thing. Stat.
Nurse: The what?
Me: Just do it, ok.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.