If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
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Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
[entering the office]
Coworker: How are you?
Me: I’ve got a case of diarrhea.
Coworker: Should you get to the bathroom?
Me: No, I just need to find somewhere to put it down.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
let’s discuss
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*