If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
lol
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Tammy is short for Tamuel
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Lube but for my dry humor.
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.