If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
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Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
Cndnsd Mlk
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.