If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Good dog. ❤️
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
My background check bounced.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?