If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

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Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk


Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.


noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”


There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.


Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.


The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.


Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.


I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.


Dont lie about your job, just word it better.

Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
“I cashier at KFC”