If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
You Might Also Like
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
someone explain to me 72 hour protection deodorants and antiperspirants.
If you bathe everyday, that like defeats the whole purpose right??
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
Britain be like
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue