@ShortSleeveSuit

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

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@Sickayduh

Wife: Have u done anything today?

Me: Rode my bike on the back tire down the street

Wife: Wheelie?

Me: Yes, really, and cut the baby talk

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.

Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.

@jonnysun

noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”

@joerogan

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@junejuly12

You think your cat is pretty easy going, but then the kids want to find out if cats float in the bathtub.

@TwinSurvivalist

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

@caaataclysm

Walk of shame?? More like, walk of don’t judge ME because YOU didn’t get laid last night.

@TheDailySchmuck

I’m black. I should be able to stick my finger in milk and make it chocolate milk. But evolution is bogus.

@AristotlesNZ

Dont lie about your job, just word it better.

Ex: “I handle client transactions at a fortune 500 multi-national corp”
vs
“I cashier at KFC”