If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
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If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
Cause of death: Zumba
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.