If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
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i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
How I like cutting carbs
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.