@CulturedRuffian

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

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@LindaInDisguise

Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.

@BGH70

Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?

Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

@OctopusCavemann

You should only be allowed to name your kids the names of cars you can afford.

@Quartzjixler

I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.

-no one ever

@ScottLinnen

Just saw a Fiat 500 smash into a Smart Car on I-95. Cutest. Thing. Ever.

@ItsAndyRyan

Whoever discovered cows must have been annoyed that the name ‘moose’ was already taken.

@Reverend_Scott

Robin: “Please?”

Batman: “No.”

“It’s prom!”

“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”

Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”

Batman: *tosses keys*

@ThrillHicks

I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.

@KieranSoFar

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

@DiamondGirl127

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over ? Me: You wanted to watch me lick my ice cream cone ? Cop: Just go please