@zgbetty

If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.

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@Divergentmama

“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.

@KentWGraham

If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.

@Shen_the_Bird

god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave

@Social_Mime

Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.

@DothTheDoth

The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.

@jakob_huber

“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*

@Smooheed

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

@JDBooie

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

@nettie0918

The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.

@DothTheDoth

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.