If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.

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“How was your day mom?” is teenager for I need something that costs money.


If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.


god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean

angel: sounds fearsome

god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave


Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.


The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.


“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*


How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off


Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.


The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.


Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.