@zgbetty

If you can fit all your liquor in a cabinet I question your commitment to alcohol.

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@bourgeoisalien

[overheard in my son’s room]

His friend: You’re Greek. Do Greeks have a 4th of July?
My son: Yes. We also have a 3rd and 5th of July.

@prodigalsam

In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.

@ObscureGent

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

@Tat6277

Volunteer shark bait is a much more inspiring name for surfers

@sonictyrant

The hard part was giving my homing pigeons dysentery. Training them to follow my boss on his morning run was a piece of cake.

@dadthatwrites

Me: God give me inner peace.

God: Here.

Me: Um, this is bubble wrap.

God: What you do with it is upto you.

@TheHyyyype

If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.

@IamJackBoot

Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.

@IvoryGazelle

[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”