@meganamram

If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person

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@jessokfine

If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.

@Turbo_Jimmy

*Wife thumps door*

“I KNOW UR IN THERE! U BLEW OUR SAVINGS ON A SHITTY INVENTION, DIDN’T U?!”

NO! *furiously flushes 1000s of dog-tampons*

@tigersgoroooar

Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.

@Landon8426

Chess with Australians must get so confusing.

“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]

@mindflakes

Nobody expects you to throw a typewriter at them, that’s what makes it such a fun surprise

@DanMentos

[taking FRIENDS quiz]

7. Which character do you most identify with?

Ross

8. Which is your least favorite character?

Ross

@notalogin

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

@causticbob

A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”