If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?