@Bob_Janke

If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe

If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.

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@elisjames

I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’

@TheToddWilliams

You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan

@DomesticGoddss

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

@IamEnidColeslaw

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

@MisterBombay

If I were a fashion designer I wouldn’t spend any money on advertising but rather pay old people to wear my competitor’s clothing

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.

@TheCatWhisprer

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

@CoryBooker

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

@YuckyTom

[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*

@MomofTeen

I come from a long line of successful people.

I decided to stop that tradition.