If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
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Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Squirrels before girls.
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime