If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
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They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Life Hack: In any hipster coffee shop, say “You haven’t seen The Wire?” and in the ensuing commotion, leave without paying.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I think I’m having a stroke
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
My new favorite headline
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.