If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.

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When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…


SiriusXM is broadcasting NASCAR because there’s nothing more exciting than listening to people drive.


I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.


an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet


I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.


Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.

Intellectual powerhouse.

Right here.


Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.


I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist


Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.