If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
You Might Also Like
True statement👍😏😁
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
*stares at bottel of sleepin pills* when wil they wakE UP
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Life is a suicide mission.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.