If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
When the doctor asks you ‘How are you feeling today?’ sexy is not an appropriate answer apparently.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.