“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.
I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”