@howe007

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

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@WheelTod

“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids

@thedad

Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some

@ALLCAPSBRO

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

@ThisLocalHater

I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.

@Aikiwomannc

Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.

@laurrlor

I can’t believe I’m in class on Presidents’ Day. This is an obamanation.

@NikiWithIssues

I’m super lazy today. Which is like normal lazy but I’m also wearing a cape.

@Darlainky

Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.

@jonnysun

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”