If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Personal question. #JustSaying
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.