If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
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I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Pass gas, not judgment.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.