If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
*at funeral*
ME: I know how you feel
FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel–
ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.