If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
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I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Never ghost your hitman.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
yeah i’m a bit of a rebel
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
My dad teaching me to drive
seems like a niche market
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no