If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
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Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the