waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*