Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?