If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
You Might Also Like
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I love twitter
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?