If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
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Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
“Well I guess I better get ready for work”
*gets out of bed*
“Ok I’m ready”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
ME WATCHING OLYMPIC EVENT: “Holy shit that was amazing!”
COMMENTATOR: “Ooh, that was not good at all. He must really be upset with himself.”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.