If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
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anyone else like Italian cereal
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
It do be feeling this way.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.