@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

- @AnnietheNanny1

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@TheAndrewNadeau

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

@TuSoonShakur

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

@BlACk__ThRoaT

When I’m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.

@HomeProbably

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

@chimneyspotter

I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”

@Bandersnaaatch

Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?

@KKBowls

[at my house after 1st date]

me: so, do you wanna have some sex?

her: well, I don’t normally do this…but I think I’ll pass

@JohnLyonTweets

Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.

@GrantTanaka

[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger

@Dawn_M_

I won’t undo a retweet in case someone finds it offensive. I just knit them onto pillows and give them as Christmas gifts.