@kimtopher22

If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.

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a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:13:”ChiefTwittler”;s:5:”image”;s:78:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/2586395865/3cpu7zbdviimc9b8xavl_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”169693914905841664″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”669″;s:5:”tweet”;s:60:”My plan, if I ever go to prison: I’m faking a headache 24/7.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

@bourgeoisalien

When man made the first stone tool 2.6 million years ago, I don’t think they could have ever imagined a tool as great as Donald Trump.

@gojarbe

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

@ixix82

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

@SkipsAhoi

I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.

@GoodZiIIa

[police stakeout]

me: suspect spotted

partner: again, that’s a dalmation

@E_lok44

If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.