@kimtopher22: If you can't be with the one you love, stab the one you're with.
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@hipstermermaid: I got 99 problems and they're all friend requests from people I didn't like in high school.
@Pork_Chop_Hair: Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in. Automatic Door: Screw. You.
@_davidlucas_: *At the ouija board* Me: Err... mom? Can't we just... Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G