If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
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When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
translated into Canadian
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic