I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
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Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Me: definitely not eating that
saw someone spill their high end juice cleanse all over the sidewalk and now I know god is on my side
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Squirrels before girls.