“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.