“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

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Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.


Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?

Me: *throwing up*

Doctor: Ralph it is then.


The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”


*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.


The odds of an asteroid hitting Earth are the same as one bullet hitting another bullet in a duel.

Dinosaurs: We’ll take those odds!


*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!


I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.


How to make meals for toddlers:

Step 1. Choose any food.

Step 2. Throw it away.


Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.