“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
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I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have?
Me: Define “true friend.”
Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything.
Me: 11,419.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives