If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
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I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Is this you?
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.