@ImHopel3ss

If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.

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@patnelke

My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.

@com3t0think0fit

Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!

@jellybnbonanza

Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.

@Darlainky

I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!

@Shenaniglenns

You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises

You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH

@mom_tho

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

@TheWidowmakerX

(Job interview)

The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later

Me: Okay, I’ll start later then

@Kail_SOVL

“How long you here for?”

-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city

@karencheee

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book