My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
If you cant beat’em, join’em! Then kill them while they’re sleeping.
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Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
You look like a snack:
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noises
You look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
The glory of fall.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
“How long you here for?”
-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book