Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
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Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
broke down and did it