Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
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My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.