May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.
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Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even
– Spider tinder
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.