@AshaRangappa_

If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.

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@ChrisScarlette

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

@Marlebean

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

@JohnLyonTweets

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

@SCBamaMan

This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.

@NewSATQuestion

#NewSATQuestions
Starbucks messed up Kate’s order. Kate’s white. How done is she?
a.) 100% done
b.) 300% done
c.) SO done
d.) She can’t even

@mofrorock

“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*
“Nice legs”
*Swipes right*

– Spider tinder

@SteveMathew_

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

@iLikeCatShirts

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

@tealbluejay

Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.