crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”