If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
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Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Therapist: what’s your problem today?
Me: I have this constant eye roll.
Therapist: stop reading your own tweets.
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.