If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
You Might Also Like
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn’t even apply for the job.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.