if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
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“Would it have killed you to brush my hair once in a while?”
-my daughter going through old photo albums
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”