Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
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[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.