if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
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Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.